What tender love story can you craft from the following terms and phrases?

so here i am another rainy night in ames, iowa. i cant believe they put me in the witness protection prgram , all over the whole condoleeza rice and barney the dinosaur affair. its ridiculous, i mean really let me tell you the story, here i am minding my own business watching pork's III eating some chef boyardee, when i get this knock on my door. i could not beleive it there was my cousin , i have not seen him in years , but there he stood, i was alll wtf brings you here,and then he tells me, im in trouble here i am working at bj local pub...i needed a pianist so i put up this help wanted sign , when in walks skeeter with a painter. so i says "you fool, i said pianist!" well anyway back to the story so im trying to get me a new piano player when in walks barney the dinosaur wearing nothing but a smile , flak vest and helmet..i says jesus h christ barney whats going on ?...and he tells me , here i am eating raw oysters singing love songs to children when condoleeza rice walks over slaps my in the lip and hands me this note....so i open it and read. it says 2004 and 2005, she was ranked as the most powerful woman in the world by Forbes magazine and number two in 2006 (following the Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel). She is also one of only three people to have been ranked among the world's most influential people by Time magazine more than three times..and then it says she was also 2007 women of the month in playboy....now she needs our help to cover it up....so im thinking cash pay here so i take the job......so me and barney get to drinking and what not nextthing i know im half naked in bed with barney and condoleeza a tape was made a hit went out and here i sit.....